Not what we wanted

I know some of you have been waiting to hear about the hearing test. It didn't go as well as we had hoped. Basically her tympanic membranes don't vibrate. This is likely caused by fluid in the Eustachian tubes. This should be a fairly easy fix with tubes, but in a baby like Ella nothing is quite that simple. Anesthesia is very risky for her and they said they will need to wait until she is at least 3 months old (adjusted) which will make her 6 months old. This breaks my heart. Not having her hearing for 6 months really isn't okay with me. I will be getting another opinion, but I may have no choice but to wait. I don't want to push them into doing it earlier and end up with other complications. She may also end up with some hearing loss from the the barrage of antibiotics they gave her at PCMC. I was under the impression that if they were going to cause a loss they already would have and apparently that isn't true, so her hearing will have to be really closely followed. I do have to say I find it ironic that out of all of the problems that are typical of preemies we have dodged most all of the bullets, but then we end up with this that may or may not have even been caused by her prematurity. Go figure.

9-11-11

10 years ago I don't know if I grasped the full reality of what was happening.
I was 18, I was an American. I was invincible.
When I heard the words "the nation is under attack" I was humbled.
I don't have allot of memories of that day. A few, but not many.
My memories are more of the days that followed.
The one that stands out in my mind the most and that I will NEVER forget:

It had been about 3 days since the attack. I was in my second year of college. I arrived to go to class (possibly for the first time since the initial attack) and when I got out of my car it was silent. You know the kind of creepy haunting silence, even though there were other people around. Everyone was still, looking up. The airways that had been closed just re-opened. Everyone stood looking silently as an aircraft flew by. There was some uncertainty if it should be there, and still fear with the Olympics on its way we could be next. It was eerie. creepy. unsettling. I wondered when or if life would be "normal" again.

Honestly the whole situation was a very big reality check for an 18 year old. It rocked my sense of safety. My world would change very quickly that year, and the next. During that time my innocence and what was left of my childhood would virtually disappear.

Maybe in an odd way I was lucky that the attacks happened when they did. While I was still somewhat young and naive with little responsibility. Today this might be harder to handle. I now have a family to protect. A child that relies solely on me. Maybe I needed to witness this tragedy in preparation for my own. Maybe my generation needed this to become citizens without the expectation of being given everything.

Cursed?

I have to say that lateky my luck has been much less than good. Not to say that NOTHING good has happened in the last 3 months, but I am starting to wonder. I have had 1 parking ticket, 1 speeding ticket, 2 car accidents, a major burn on myself, 2 dogs stomachs pumped, my daughter life-flighted and a few code blues and several thousands of dollars of debt. Really?

Updates

This is a poor neglected blog, but I am updating at ellaolson.blogspot.com

Funny and so true!

I stumbled across this graph today that represents the adoption process.

I found it pretty funny, and pretty true as well. The majority of adoptions fall into the blue category with only 2.5% being complete nightmares, and 2.5% being only sunshine and daisies. Everyone else falls in the middle. I will admit that although Ellas adoption does fall into the blue category it does fall onto the right side of the graph rather than the left!

Guilt

This is rediculous but I have guilt over how healthy Ella is. I recently joined two groups for moms of preemies the same as I have joined adoption groups. I have found one of the groups very friendly and accepting. I find the other cold. Even though my daughter is a "micro-preemie" she has not demonstrated any real health conditions. I expect her to recover from her prematurity nearly unscaved. Reading the posts from other families breaks my heart. The pictures of their precious babies are SCARY. Maybe I'm in denial but I think even the first pictures I have of Ella she looked okay. I have never understood when they talk about parent freaking out in the NICU at the sight of their child. I do now. If I encountered Ella looking the way some of their children did I would be afraid too. I guess Ella is just lucky. I am just lucky. I fear everyday that our luck could run out.

It is hereby ordered

The minor child known as Ella Nicole Olson is authorized to be placed in the care of the adoptive parent Laura Nicole Olson. Effective Immediatly and permenently pending the finalization of the adoption.

Done and ordered in Tampa June 7, 2011
This is what I found in my mail today. It means nothing and everything all at once. Seeing it in writing makes my heart smile.
On a seperate note my little runt is fabulous! 2 pounds 1 ounce. What a little rockstar!