Saturday, July 2, 2011
Guilt
This is rediculous but I have guilt over how healthy Ella is. I recently joined two groups for moms of preemies the same as I have joined adoption groups. I have found one of the groups very friendly and accepting. I find the other cold. Even though my daughter is a "micro-preemie" she has not demonstrated any real health conditions. I expect her to recover from her prematurity nearly unscaved. Reading the posts from other families breaks my heart. The pictures of their precious babies are SCARY. Maybe I'm in denial but I think even the first pictures I have of Ella she looked okay. I have never understood when they talk about parent freaking out in the NICU at the sight of their child. I do now. If I encountered Ella looking the way some of their children did I would be afraid too. I guess Ella is just lucky. I am just lucky. I fear everyday that our luck could run out.
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When I first saw Eliza she was a pound and was on a ventilator with multiple umbilical IVs and a PICC line, you name it and she was attached to it. But all I saw was my beautiful baby. The equipment was scary but with time it became part of the norm and thankfully the equipment slowly but surely disappeared. It can be very disconcerting to some folks to see micro-preemies, especially ones that need ventilator support. My brother came only once to see Eliza and didn't return until close to her discharge when she was close to 4 pounds and looked pretty typical. He did the best he could handling the situation and that is all we can ask of ourselves and others.
ReplyDeleteI also think feeling guilty that your preemie is doing better than others is normal as is the fear of waiting for the proverbial other shoe to drop.
I think we all leave the NICU with some level of trepidation because as mothers of micro-preemies we do have to be more vigilant about their health. But the day you take your baby home from the NICU is also a wonderful day and one that even now, five years later, Eliza and I still celebrate.
Don't feel guilty and don't be afraid. Thank God everyday for your blessing and enjoy her good health!
ReplyDeleteNancy (who wondered over her from a friend's blog!)