Not what we wanted

I know some of you have been waiting to hear about the hearing test. It didn't go as well as we had hoped. Basically her tympanic membranes don't vibrate. This is likely caused by fluid in the Eustachian tubes. This should be a fairly easy fix with tubes, but in a baby like Ella nothing is quite that simple. Anesthesia is very risky for her and they said they will need to wait until she is at least 3 months old (adjusted) which will make her 6 months old. This breaks my heart. Not having her hearing for 6 months really isn't okay with me. I will be getting another opinion, but I may have no choice but to wait. I don't want to push them into doing it earlier and end up with other complications. She may also end up with some hearing loss from the the barrage of antibiotics they gave her at PCMC. I was under the impression that if they were going to cause a loss they already would have and apparently that isn't true, so her hearing will have to be really closely followed. I do have to say I find it ironic that out of all of the problems that are typical of preemies we have dodged most all of the bullets, but then we end up with this that may or may not have even been caused by her prematurity. Go figure.

9-11-11

10 years ago I don't know if I grasped the full reality of what was happening.
I was 18, I was an American. I was invincible.
When I heard the words "the nation is under attack" I was humbled.
I don't have allot of memories of that day. A few, but not many.
My memories are more of the days that followed.
The one that stands out in my mind the most and that I will NEVER forget:

It had been about 3 days since the attack. I was in my second year of college. I arrived to go to class (possibly for the first time since the initial attack) and when I got out of my car it was silent. You know the kind of creepy haunting silence, even though there were other people around. Everyone was still, looking up. The airways that had been closed just re-opened. Everyone stood looking silently as an aircraft flew by. There was some uncertainty if it should be there, and still fear with the Olympics on its way we could be next. It was eerie. creepy. unsettling. I wondered when or if life would be "normal" again.

Honestly the whole situation was a very big reality check for an 18 year old. It rocked my sense of safety. My world would change very quickly that year, and the next. During that time my innocence and what was left of my childhood would virtually disappear.

Maybe in an odd way I was lucky that the attacks happened when they did. While I was still somewhat young and naive with little responsibility. Today this might be harder to handle. I now have a family to protect. A child that relies solely on me. Maybe I needed to witness this tragedy in preparation for my own. Maybe my generation needed this to become citizens without the expectation of being given everything.

Cursed?

I have to say that lateky my luck has been much less than good. Not to say that NOTHING good has happened in the last 3 months, but I am starting to wonder. I have had 1 parking ticket, 1 speeding ticket, 2 car accidents, a major burn on myself, 2 dogs stomachs pumped, my daughter life-flighted and a few code blues and several thousands of dollars of debt. Really?

Updates

This is a poor neglected blog, but I am updating at ellaolson.blogspot.com

Funny and so true!

I stumbled across this graph today that represents the adoption process.

I found it pretty funny, and pretty true as well. The majority of adoptions fall into the blue category with only 2.5% being complete nightmares, and 2.5% being only sunshine and daisies. Everyone else falls in the middle. I will admit that although Ellas adoption does fall into the blue category it does fall onto the right side of the graph rather than the left!

Guilt

This is rediculous but I have guilt over how healthy Ella is. I recently joined two groups for moms of preemies the same as I have joined adoption groups. I have found one of the groups very friendly and accepting. I find the other cold. Even though my daughter is a "micro-preemie" she has not demonstrated any real health conditions. I expect her to recover from her prematurity nearly unscaved. Reading the posts from other families breaks my heart. The pictures of their precious babies are SCARY. Maybe I'm in denial but I think even the first pictures I have of Ella she looked okay. I have never understood when they talk about parent freaking out in the NICU at the sight of their child. I do now. If I encountered Ella looking the way some of their children did I would be afraid too. I guess Ella is just lucky. I am just lucky. I fear everyday that our luck could run out.

It is hereby ordered

The minor child known as Ella Nicole Olson is authorized to be placed in the care of the adoptive parent Laura Nicole Olson. Effective Immediatly and permenently pending the finalization of the adoption.

Done and ordered in Tampa June 7, 2011
This is what I found in my mail today. It means nothing and everything all at once. Seeing it in writing makes my heart smile.
On a seperate note my little runt is fabulous! 2 pounds 1 ounce. What a little rockstar!

Welcome number 5!

Ella Nicole was born on May 21st at 2:59pm in Tampa Florida. She was only 26 weeks 6 days gestation, but has done amazingly well! She weighed 1 pound 11 ounces and was 12 inches long. She currently resides at University Community Hospital and is expected to remain there until mid/end of July. I can't wait until I can bring my beautiful bundle home!

Confused

Before I adopted I thought basically knew what I would tell Ella about her adoption. I believed in honesty always and still do. Saying that I now am faced with the hard facts of her adoption. How much information is too much? What is appropriate for other people to know including my own family? I know I wont have to answer hard questions for quite a few years with Ella, but I am constantly bombarded with questions now. I simply don't know what answers I should keep private and what is okay to share and with whom.

Update Blog

Just so everyone knows Ella has a blog for updates
ellaolson.blogspot.com

Baby Ella has arrived!!!

Once I find the words (and the time) I will post more about her adoption, but for now may I present Baby Ella Nicole...

She was born on May 21, a tincy tiny 1 pound 11 ounces and 12 inches long. She is beautiful and doing well.

I thought this was sweet

http://youtu.be/OBhetR7iHzI

What the...

Do you ever pause in your life and just think "what the hell?" This happens to me far more often than I would like. For instance today I got this note on my door...



Dear people of the hood,
My name is Jared aka (Muerte), as a common curtesy, or common human etiquette, I would like to apologize for having my band (Our Revenge) rehearse, withought first letting you know that Wed. nights 7-9pm will be our weekly schedule. Also Sat. 11-1...give or take...It was brought to my attention that at least one individual was not too happy with the 9pm heavenly blessings of our joyous music (or ruckus, if you prefer) as children are trying to sleep. However, noise after 10pm is the city limit. Now I did talk it over with the band and we will end no later than 9:45 pm. Now another apology: it's freaking ninja loud. I want to be courteous of my good fellow people of the hood, by giving you my direct cell number. I am giving it to you for use, not so you can throw it away, then call the cops, then have them tell you they won't do anything until 10, then you get mad and pee on my front door. A simple text that it is 9:44 ...getting close buster...will be enough. Stating that you will track down my first born may be overboard. So fellow ninjas and pirates of the hood...party on dudes and we will have a most triumphant time.


What the hell? I don't know whether to laugh my head off or be pissed.

My first REAL cornrow!

I frequently french braid a little section in the front of my hair to keep it out of my way. I have tried MANY times to do a cornrow instead and have never come close to making it work. But today...

I finally got it!

If the tables were turned...

Today as I checked one of my adoption agency websites for any new "situations" as I do everyday (to be honest sometimes several times a day) I saw it. A pink pair of shoes with the letters AA next to them. For a split second I was excited. Could this one be mine? Then as I moved on to the next line I saw "Only accepts AA families". This is not the first and I'm sure not the last time I see this. I want to jump through the computer and tell her I have studied hours upon hours on black hair, skin, unique medical conditions, bi-racial family dynamics, and black culture, if it's out there I have probably read it. I would love her baby more than anything. Give her everything I could give.

Then for the first time I put myself in her shoes. I have tried many times to imagine the anguish a birth mother feels placing her baby, but I have never thought about being a white woman with a white baby and placing my baby in a black family. Not even just a black family but in a pretty much all black community where she will stick out like a sore thumb everywhere she goes. With one glance from a stranger having "adopted" stamped on her forehead. Would they know how to take care of her? Or would they (unknowingly) oil her skin and hair daily and then not wash it making her look like a greased up little piglet?

This is harder for me to grasp. I have to admit that I understand that birth mothers decision.  Her goal (I'm sure) is to give her daughter a chance at a better life, and that may be hard to imagine in the above scenario.

This new realization makes me have an even greater respect for the birth mothers willing to place their African heritage child with Caucasians.  My greatest hope is that as my black daughter bravely walks with her head held high with the stamp on her forehead that says "adopted" I just hope that when SHE sees that stamp will read...

LOVED, CHOSEN, AND WANTED MORE THAN ANYTHING!

Happy un-Mothers day to me

I felt the need to drop a few hundred (or more) dollars to make myself feel better about not having a baby.

It didn't work, and I don't have a clue how the recliner is going to fit in her room. That thing is massive.

Discouraged

Let me preface this by saying. I know I haven't been waiting THAT long for my baby, and if I chose international adoption I would be waiting WAY longer, but right now I am just plain discouraged. Let's face it I really thought I'd have a baby at this point or maybe even a match that hasn't been born. I have taken the disappointments of things like being shown to birth moms without being picked exceptionally well (I think) and one of my friends told me "as long as your being shown be happy". How right she is, before I didn't realize how true this is. When I am being shown I am on pins and needles and I am anxious as all heck but even when I am told no it is not as discouraging when there isn't showings for awhile, and none on the horizon.

Tonight as I came home to my full yet empty house I actually considered IVF if I don't have a baby by fall. Which is insane for a number of reasons. My baby is coming but I can only continue to tell myself that for so long. At this point it is a near certainty that I will miss my June deadline for next years tax refund. Bummer. I need to stay positive and know that for everything is a reason and MY child will come. But I am really struggling with that right now. I am ready.

The holidays aren't helping. Easter even though my baby would be too young to do anything it made me sad to watch her cousins hunt eggs without her. Knowing how much my niece is looking forward to this baby she frequently makes darling (but slightly painful when I'm feeling this way) comments. "When baby Ella comes I will help her put eggs in her basket," "Can we put the high chair by you and me for baby Ella?" So sweet so innocent. And the worst question, "how long until baby Ella comes?" It's hard to keep a happy face and explain to a 4 year old that I don't know it might be soon, or it might be a long time.
Then there is Mothers Day which is quite self explanatory. And to be honest what hurts the most is that I get the privilege to be at work since I am the only non-Mom. Just saying that makes me want to cry. Besides I may not BE a Mom but I do have a Mom. A mom who likely come home from the hospital a few days before Mothers day.
Plus Fathers day. Let's just plain not go there. Maybe I can work that day too since I don't have one anymore!
Besides the longer I wait the more I question my decision to adopt. Don't get me wrong I want a baby. But am I doing her a huge disservice in raising her alone? Will  a blond women with blue eyes ever be able to feel her pain from racism? Will I understand? Can I learn to trust leaving her at daycare? Will she always feel out of place in a white family? Will I take a baby that could go to a wonderful couple who could have the Mom stay at home possibly even one of the same race and selfishly keep her for myself just so I can be a Mom?

Easter dinner at the Olsons

My family had "Easter" yesterday as I get the privilage to work tomorrow. My niece who is 4 and had a memory that is so good it is just plain creepy was telling us how she remembers last year that we did the Easter egg hunt in the living room because it was too cold outside etc. etc. My brother was patronizing her and said "do you remember being born?"  She replied "yes, I do. You and Mom were there and Mom had curly hair." We couldn't stop laughing. Maybe she does remember!

Get offended lately?

I just happened upon a page of the LDS adoption services today and found this:

Children of Married Parents


Children who live with married parents tend to have higher grades, are more likely to attend college, and experience lower rates of unemployment.
On average, children of married parents experience better physical and mental health, have lower rates of substance abuse, experience less child abuse, and are less likely to commit suicide or engage in criminal behavior.

“What has been shown over and over again to contribute most to the emotional development of the child is a close, warm, sustained, and continuous relationship with both parents.”

Children of Single Parents


Children raised by a single mother are six times more likely to live in poverty, twice as likely to drop out of high school, and two to three times more likely to have serious emotional and behavioral problems than children who grow up with both parents.

During middle childhood, children raised by single parents have high rates of chronic health and psychiatric disorders.

On average, teens from single-parent homes are more attached to their peer groups and less attached to their parents’ opinions.

As teenagers and young adults, “being raised in a single-mother family is associated with elevated risks of teenage childbearing, . . . incarceration and with being neither employed nor in school.”
Children of unmarried women are likely to need to assume adult roles prematurely.8

“Single mothers . . . report less perceived social support, fewer contacts with friends and family, and lower levels of social involvement than married mothers.”

Benefits of Adoption


“On an index of self-esteem, adopted adolescents compare favorably to” those who were not adopted.

Children who were adopted as infants have better health, see mental health professionals less often, have fewer behavioral problems, and do better in school than children born outside of marriage and raised by the unmarried mother.

Kind of makes me want to punch someone in the face.

Moving down the crazy ladder?

I have to preface this post by saying when someone in your life dies it is sad and I must apologize in advance for the following statement(s).

Does anybody find anything wrong with the following (my Aunts) obituary? Ill give you a moment to glance:

                                                            Jana McBride Olson

2/19/1951 ~ 4/9/2011 Jana passed away in Salt Lake City, Utah on April 9th, 2011 in her home while surrounded by family and friends.She was born in Coalville, Utah to parents Fredrick Gordon McBride and Hazel Alvira Wootton McBride and was the youngest of four siblings. She graduated from Jordan High School in 1969 and Utah State University in 1973. She taught intellectually disabled students from the Jordan School District for 31 years. Jana loved her students and was an advocate for their rights, often spending personal time and money to ensure they were receiving the best education possible. She would like to express her thanks to her students for allowing her to learn from them. Jana enjoyed playing sports in high school and college. She loved to travel and went to places as near as Moab, Utah and as far away as China. She was an avid reader, and a talented gardener with a green thumb. Jana also loved the family cabin, where she spent a great deal of time. She had a special affection for giraffes, humming birds and all animals. Everyone who knew her couldn't help loving her. She was simply the kindest and best wife, mother, sister and friend anyone could ever be fortunate enough to know. She was especially devoted to her family and showed them only patience, support and love. She married Dale R. Olson on November 22nd, 1974. She is survived by her husband; two children Ryan D. (Connie) Olson and Kathryn M. (Matt) Olson; sister Sharon (Bill) Allen; brother Brian F. (Carol) McBride; and many nieces and nephews. Jana loved her pets and considered them to be part of her family. She leaves behind her pets Rosee, Gus and Mac; and three granddogs Hanna, Bugsy and Louie. She is preceded in death by pets Tina, Charlie, Cookie, Greta, Spunky, Lily, Casey and Madeline. Jana and her family would like to express deep thanks to her many loving and devoted friends who were not only a blessing to her during her illness, but throughout the happier times of her life as well. She also wishes to thank all of the doctors, nurses and assistants who did their best to help during her battle with cancer. Family and friends are invited to a wake celebrating her life to be held on Saturday, April 16th from 6 to 8 p.m. at Starks Funeral Parlor, 3651 South 900 East, Salt Lake City. Memorial donations may be made to your local Special Education program or to the Salt Lake County Animal Services, 511 West 3900 South, Salt Lake City, UT 84123. Online condolences may be offered to the family at www.starksfuneral.com



Are you even kidding me? I think I get to move a few notches down on the crazy ladder. Don't get me wrong I LOVE my kids. Probably in a borderline sick way. My hell I refer to them (my animals) as my kids! But really?!? She was only proceeded in death by animals, not humans? Obituaries are EPENSIVE they charge by the letter and you are going to list every pet she has ever owned? I distinctly remember their dogs Casey and Gretta and a can GUARANTEE they have been dead well over 20 years! Oh and let us not forget the granddogs!? Maybe I'm off here but to me this equals a whole new level of crazy.